Honestly, most people might not even be sorry for having hurt you. They might not even know that they did hurt you. 

So, we can't depend on that to get you free from the grievances that can be formed if you don't forgive. And this is all about you, not them. So, let's talk first about what forgiveness isn't. What it isn't. It's not saying that the way you were hurt was okay. You know how sometimes we'll say that. "Oh, it's okay." Well, what if it's not okay? It's not okay for anybody to hurt you. That's not okay. 

It's going to happen. But let's not say that it's okay. I'm not asking you to say, "Oh, it's okay." No, that's not forgiveness. That's just weird. 

 
How To Forgive Someone Who Isn't Sorry | 2020


So, let's not go there. It's also not letting someone off the hook for their misbehavior or their poor treatment of you. It's not letting them off the hook. I don't think you have that kind of authority to start with. In fact, let's just put that into context. Let's say that someone commits a felony against you. Alright? 

A felony by definition is against the law. Do you have the authority to let them off the hook for committing a felony? No! They're on the hook with the law. And depending on your spiritual beliefs, maybe God gets to settle this one. But you don't have the authority to let them off the hook. 

Let's let people of higher authority be responsible for that. So, forgiveness is not letting someone off the hook or pardoning them for their behavior. 

As I was making this list I had to ask myself, "What am I asking my dear viewers to do?" I don't want to ask you to do anything that I don't think is good for you. So, forgiveness is not allowing yourself to continue to be hurt or abused in any way. That is not forgiveness. That sounds kind of stupid. I don't want you in that position. And I would never ask you to assume that position. 

So, let's be clear. Forgiveness is not allowing yourself to continue to be abused. Are we getting clear about what forgiveness isn't? Because I could go on. But I think we've hit some of the main points there. 

Once we understand what it's not, it makes it a little bit easier. As we talk about what it is, it makes it a little bit easier to let go of the things that we might have thought it was but it's not. Now, before I share with you what forgiveness is, I want you to consider something. 

Disclaimer: I am not telling you to do this. I am asking you to consider it. There's a difference. If you go do this, then you're on your own. If you consider it, then you'll see some things that maybe you didn't see before I opened it up to you. And here's what I want you to consider. Consider holding a grudge. A grievance. You know, something that can fester and boil inside of you and just turn you bitter and angry forever. Consider it. 


Now, if you're going to do that, you're going to need to have a few steps. 

Step 1, is that you got to take this personally. Take it as personally as you can. It's all about you and it's about somebody else trying intentionally to ruin your life. Take it personally. 

Step 2 to hold a good grievance is blame. Blame someone or something else for how you feel. And you know who to blame too. That darn person who isn't even sorry. Blame them for how miserable you feel. That's an important second step. 

Step 3  you create a really great victim story. You know, that story where you poor pitiful you is just a victim of all these terrible horrible, no good, very bad things that are happening to you and about you. And then allow that victim story to take on a life of its own. And you're going to help it. You're going to fuel it you know through social media and through sharing this poor pitiful victim story. How does that sound to you? Yeah. 

Consider forming a grudge or grievance. You got those 3 steps to make sure you take it personally, blame somebody else, and create a great victim story. Yeah. Does that just leave a bitter taste in your mouth too? I hope it does. 

But I hope that you see that it's an option. And I hope that you consider it in considering it how do you feel about that option. Yeah, that's what I thought. Me too. I don't want to get stuck in that negative space. Do you? Maybe there's an alternative. Let's chat about what forgiveness really is and what it looks like and how you can go there. 

Let's consider another option. And this has to do with letting go. 


Letting Go

Letting go of that grievance that only poisons you. So what if they're sorry or not? Hopefully, you're going to see through watching this video that is not required. And that's good news because we don't want to be waiting around for some evil person who hurt you to be sorry so that we can move forward. No. We're doing this with or without them. Are you with me? And here's how we're going to do it. There are 3 steps. 

 
How To Forgive Someone Who Isn't Sorry | 2020


Step 1. First, of all,l depersonalize this whole thing. I want you to look at this in a way that allows you to take it less personally. It's not about you. You know what? Just before I came here today to shoot this video for you, I find out last night that my bicycle was stolen from my home. Somebody came onto my property and ripped off my bicycle. And I love to go on rides with Vicki. I'm going to have to replace that before I can do one of those favorite activities again.

 I don't know if that guy's sorry or not. But you know what? He's off doing whatever he's doing. And for me to wait for him to be sorry would not be a good idea. What if I were to depersonalized this thing and realize that it's not about me. Is it about me? No. It is me and so that's why it's easy to take it personally and feel like, "Oh, he's trying to ruin my life." Well, is he? No, He doesn't even know me, I don't know him, he doesn't know me. He was being an opportunist criminal and as he was going through our neighborhood, he saw my bicycle which I had neglected to lock up. And he rode away on my bicycle. 

could have been anybody's bicycle. Do you see that? Doesn't matter that it was mine. It just feels personal because it is mine. 

If I were to depersonalize it, I can see, Oh, you know what? It's not about me. It's about somebody making a poor decision and I happen to be in the way. So, that's step number one. I'm going to depersonalize it. I'm going to look at this in a way that allows me to take it less personally. 


Step 2, I'm going to own my feelings. I'm not going to blame him. Or anyone else for how I feel. I'm never wrong about how I feel. And you're never wrong about how you feel. How you feel is 100% consistent with the way your mind is processing your experiences. Read the book if you haven't yet. 

Owning our feelings is all about understanding our personal responsibility for the processes that are going on in our own mind. And we can do that regardless of what's happening around us. I don't have to be miserable today because that guy stole my bike yesterday. I get to go on having a joyful experience. In fact, I'm so grateful to be here with you today. This is what I love to do. And I can do that with or without a bicycle. And I'll find a way to replace the bicycle. 

I get to take responsibility for my own feelings. He doesn't have the right to steal my property but even more than that, he does not have the right to hijack my emotional life. I get to drive that one. 

Step 3 that I want to share with you today has to do with the story. Do you remember when in the grievance consideration you're going to come up with a victim story and allow that to take on a life of its own? How about we retire the victim story and how about we cast you as a hero in your own story? Who else, right? What if we made a movie about what happened yesterday at my house. And the movie is "Dr. Paul's bicycle starring the thief." I'm not interested in that story. I want to be the hero of my story. Not the criminal. I get to be the hero of my story. so, it might be Dr. Paul's bicycle, the saga. Starring Dr. Paul. Oh, yeah. And then I get to be the hero of this story. 


Who's starring in your story? You don't have to be the pitiful victim. You get to be the amazing hero that despite life's circumstances, despite this person who hurt you and isn't even sorry, you get to show up as the amazing powerful hero that you are. Don't forget who you are. You got brains in your head, you got a heart in your chest and you've got a lot of good to offer this world despite all of the other things that are going to happen and stuff's going to happen, isn't it? 

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